


the shattered aftermath of the blast

by GrayJedi11



Series: intrulogical human au [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Astronomer Logic | Logan Sanders, Background Dr. Emile Picani, Background Morality | Patton Sanders, Background Relationships, Biologist Remus, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders is a Sweetheart, Depressed Logic | Logan Sanders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by a Mountain Goats Song, Kissing, Logic | Logan Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders Are Siblings, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Minor Character Death, Morning Kisses, Protective Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Relapsing, Repression, Sad Logic | Logan Sanders, Self-Harm, Smart Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Therapy, Title from a Mountain Goats Song, hes mentioned - Freeform, i wrote this series out of order lmao, not inspired but the title, sorta - Freeform, this one happnens after the first one but theres gonna be another one in the middle uwu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26507017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrayJedi11/pseuds/GrayJedi11
Summary: It's been seven years since Logan was finally ready to seek help. His wounds have healed into scars, and his husband Remus has been with him, willing to support Logan however he can. They live happily, have stable jobs, and their relationship is steady and strong.Yet something,somethinghad to ruin it. And it plunges Logan into feeling things he'd thought he would never have to experience again.AndGod,is it hard.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders/Dr. Emile Picani
Series: intrulogical human au [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1927054
Comments: 27
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

Logan fumbled with his keys, opening the door to his and Remus’s apartment. There had been a certain family at the planetarium, four kids who were a bit rowdy when everyone was sitting down. But when the show started, they’d become enraptured in it, whispering to each other with their eyes fixed on the stars. He smiled as he remembered it, opening the door.

He found Remus belly-down on the couch, reading one of Logan’s most recent suggestions for him. He was surprised he actually enjoyed it, but fiction  _ was _ more his taste than Logan’s. He kicked his legs off the couch when he heard Logan come in, racing up to him to give him a quick kiss, setting his arms around his waist.

“Good afternoon.”

Logan grinned at him, giving him a kiss himself. Remus turned around, heading towards the kitchen.

“I was bored when I got home, so I started baking a cake,” Remus said. Logan followed him into the kitchen, the smell of chocolate filling the air. “I was going to make pie, but we didn’t have enough apples. Plus, apple pie isn’t you or my favorite. How was work?”

“It was good. There were some particularly interested kids. I love seeing them and the older attendees getting excited about it. Well, it’s not like most of the young adults or middle aged people are as interested as them most of the time. How about you? Make any breakthroughs?”

“It’s been pretty dull lately. School lied to us about being lab technicians, and I’m sure my colleagues would agree. That’s why I have you, I suppose.”

“I know you’re only using me to have someone to rant to, Remus.”

“Well, then we’re probably here for the same reason.”

Both of them chuckled, Logan leaning slightly against the counter. Remus straightened up for a moment, turning to pull the powdered sugar out of the cupboard. “Patton called today, he said he needed to talk to you. He sounded pretty distraught.”

“He had a mental breakdown about half his ice cream falling on the ground when he was twenty three. I’m sure it’s not a big deal.”

Remus pulled the butter out, placing it on the counter as well. “He did want you to call him back as soon as possible, though, so if I were you I’d do it now. You’ll have frosting to lick when you get back.”

“I probably won’t even eat the cake, but I’ll call him.”

Logan pulled the phone out of its carriage in the kitchen, pressing Patton’s number and wandering into the living room. It rang a few times, eventually going to voicemail.

_ Weird. He always picks up. _

He tried his cell instead, the call eventually picking up.

“Logan?”

His brother sniffed a few times, his voice shaky. He would’ve at  _ least _ calmed down by now.

“What happened? Is there anything you need from me? Did Emile kick you out?”

“No- they- Lo- Logan,” he sniffed again, seemingly beginning to cry, “M-Mom, she-”

_ Mom? She- _

“Mom, she- she died-”

Patton’s crying faded into the background.

Everything faded into the background. 

He tossed the phone onto the couch without hanging up, stumbling back. No, no, this is wrong, this can’t happen, this can’t be real, she was young, she was too young. She can’t be- she can’t, he hadn’t, he hadn’t made it up to her yet. He hadn’t fixed everything yet, he had hurt her, and he’d been trying to make it up to her, she’d insisted it was unnecessary because it was  _ her _ , because she was wonderful, and she’d done her best, but Logan hadn’t fixed his mistakes yet, she couldn’t be gone yet, she couldn’t, he wasn’t finished fixing everything, no, no, no, no, no-

“Logan, Logan, Logan, babe, what happened?”

He couldn’t breathe. Was he- how could this be happening? She wouldn’t have wanted this, she always told him how she hated to see him suffer, he needed to be strong for her, he needed to-

_ Repress his emotions? Again? _

No. He wasn’t going to do that.

“M-My mom di- died-”

“Oh my god. Oh my god, what do you need me to do?”

“H-hold me. Please.”

Remus encased him in a tight hug as he tried to steady his breathing.

_ In, two, three, four… _

_ Hold, two, three, four, five, six, seven… _

_ Out, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, repeat. _

He buried his head in Remus’s shoulder, forcing his breathing back to normal. He pushed his hands through Remus’s hair, feeling its soft texture against his fingers. Remus was warm and comforting. Maybe his mother wasn’t here, but Remus was. Remus was here, and he trusted Remus to hold him if he needed it.

It was a bad feeling, feeling this so long after his lowest point.

“Do you want a distraction? Or would you rather talk about it?”

“I think… I could use a distraction. And maybe that’ll give me some time to think about it myself.”

Remus stroked his husband’s hair before letting him pick out a movie in their bedroom, checking on the cake before joining him. It was a documentary that Logan would usually be enamored in, pausing to state his opinions on, make comments on the galaxies they discussed. But now he was quiet.

He had difficulty sleeping that night.


	2. Chapter 2

“Are you sure you wanna go to work today?”

“Yes.” Logan answered quickly, taking another bite of his egg.

“I’m sure they’d understand if you took a day off-”

“It’s fine, I’ll have free time to think, but I won’t be thinking about it all day. It’s a good balance.”

“Okay… I still think you’re gonna need some time off at somepoint, though. You’ll talk to me after work?” Remus reached over the table to press what he hoped was a comforting touch to Logan’s hand.

“I’ll take time off once I can really… think about it. Once I’m ready for that.”

Remus supposed that it  _ would _ take time to deal with it. He hoped Patton was faring better. Probably, since his partner was a therapist. Emile would know how to help him.

Logan may be helping himself a lot more than he used to, but that didn’t mean he knew any more about emotions. Their father had left before either of them had known him, so neither of them had ever really… grieved before. The only thing Remus could hope for was that Logan would talk about it in therapy. Luckily, he had an appointment on Sunday. Just four days, and there’d be someone to tell him how the fuck to deal with this.

Remus sure as hell didn’t know.

He was distracted all during the work day, probably messing a couple things up that someone else would have to catch. How was Logan holding up? Was the balance between thinking about it and not thinking about it actually working? Was he going to come home crying and exhausted? Should he have convinced Logan to stay home anyway? Then again, would it have even mattered if he didn’t have someone to talk to?

Logan was just as distracted as his husband.

He couldn’t help but wonder if he’d let her down, if she’d wanted more from him. How much had he hurt her? Did it hurt her significantly to see him hurting? Was it exhausting to deal with such a child?

He knew it was.

After he’d met Remus and decided to start healing, there’d been… a questioning point. The only way he’d learned to keep his family members safe, so they weren’t  _ scared _ of what he would do, had been to repress his emotions. It had been his only option for years. So… he hadn’t known what to do. Was he going to start yelling at them again? Was it going to be friendly, but remind them of the times he’d hurt them, hurt himself?

Eventually… yelling did become okay. But it took a long, long time.

His mother had never officially forgiven him. He didn’t know if she felt like what he did warranted forgiveness, he didn’t even know what she thought of it. Of him. He was sure she loved him at least, but… did she love Patton more? Was there a part of her that wished Logan had been different?

He would never get to ask her. He’d never get to know. He wasn’t anywhere near suicidal, but the curiosity pulled at him to meet her again. What would she say if he went all that way just to know how much she loved him?

He tried ignoring these thoughts all day, no matter how they would pop up.

_ This isn’t good, is it? _

He shouldn’t be pushing them down. He couldn’t... go through this again. This  _ torture _ . Yet his mind resisted them anyway, whether it was because he was questioning his mother’s love, or just the fact that she was… gone.

She could never love or hate him again.

_ Shut up. _

He was  _ trying _ to work. Maybe… maybe a day off would’ve been helpful. He needed to talk to Remus about this, he needed to talk to his therapist about this. And he was going to. Just… not now.

Logan arrived home tired, stumbling through the door and running his hands through his hair. He stood for a moment with his eyes closed, letting the exhaustion take over for a moment.

Remus approached him tentatively, Logan kissing him before wandering off to take a shower. He didn’t want to think about his mother. He didn’t want to think about  _ anything. _ There were things he needed to do for work, but he opted to reread one of the books on their shelves, avoiding Remus for fear of being questioned. He knew Remus wouldn’t push it, but he didn’t really have the energy to talk to… anyone. So he lost himself in the book, sitting in bed and finishing it within two hours. He grabbed another when he was done, anxiety climbing about everything he needed to get done. He needed to make dinner, otherwise Remus would just do it by himself. He needed to plan out the next lecture by Monday, else he would lose his job. He hadn’t even told anyone at work what’d happened.

He didn’t want to think about it anymore.

He’d been rereading the same page over and over by the time Remus gave up and got his attention. He kneeled in front of Logan on their bed, eyes filled with worry. His voice was soft as he raised his hand to Logan’s cheek.

“Lo? Are you okay right now?”

He held back what he wanted to say—What he should say. Everything that was so easy to say to Remus was suddenly the most difficult thing in the world. It felt like… telling his mother he was depressed, that he cut. He’d been so resistant, even after asking her to take him to therapy. At some point, of course, he’d gotten a diagnosis, so telling her was unavoidable then. He remembered the feeling, mouth resisting the words at all costs. It felt like his tongue was  _ lead. _ It was a feeling he hated, and it always felt stupid not to be able to say something so  _ important. _

It was never that way with Remus. Remus let him cry and vent and it  _ helped. _ He had  _ always _ been comfortable with Remus. 

Why not now?

“Yeah, the books are helping, they… take my mind off of it.”

Remus leaned back for a moment, setting his hands in his lap. “And that’s what you need? I’m sorry if I’m asking too much or if it bothers you, I just wanna make sure you’re handling this okay.”

“...You have good reason to worry. But I’m trying my best. And it’s going okay. It’s only the second day, after all. You don’t need to worry. I’ll talk to my therapist, okay?”

“I’m sorry, it’s just… when you hit low points, a lot of the time you become obsessive. Usually with work, but… God, I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologize. It’s okay. I’m okay enough that I’m going to be able to deal with this like normal people do. I’m fine right now.”

Remus looked skeptical, but brought him out to eat dinner. He was quiet most of the meal, looking down at his food. Trying not to think about anything.

_ You shouldn’t have let this happen. _

_ She died without you making it up to her. _

Trying not to think about anything.


	3. Chapter 3

“You don’t have to go to work, you know.”

Logan shook his head, despite burying it further into Remus’s chest. It was so warm under the blankets, being so close to Remus. He was given a few sweet kisses, the sunlight from their window shining on the back of his head. He didn’t dare open his eyes. He didn’t dare  _ move _ in fear that he might-

Remember.

He sighed, kissing Remus one last time before getting up and pushing his glasses on his face.

Remus pouted as he pulled the blankets tightly over his shoulders. “You don’t have to torture me, too.”

Remus laughed quietly and Logan gave him a smile. It was the best he could give at the moment as he picked out his clothes, getting changed as Remus lost himself in the blankets for a few more minutes.

He traced his thumb along a scar on his leg. They were faded for the most part, but there were always the deeper ones that would never fade.

He honestly didn’t think about them much anymore. They were little, some big, marks left on his skin from a different time. They weren’t part of him anymore. He didn’t go searching for razors and knives anymore. He thought he was better than that now.

He didn’t need it.

He shook the thoughts out of his head and continued getting ready, Remus soon joining him. He didn’t bother to make more than a bowl of oatmeal, desperate to get out of the house. He would be early today. Even if it made Remus a little concerned.

He couldn’t even try to keep the thoughts out today.

_ She hated you. _

_ You hurt her. _

And he knew he did. He’d hurt her, he’d yelled at her, he’d scared her by telling her that he was depressed, anxious, when he was a  _ child. _ What kind of person would do that? What kind of…

_ Monster. _

_ This is your fault. _

_ She died before she could forgive you because you don’t deserve to be forgiven. _

_ You don’t deserve any of this. _

“Remus?” 

He’d arrived home to pleasant aromas coming from the kitchen. He entered to find Remus, seemingly preparing a meal for the two of them.

“Steak? Really?”

“Yep. I convinced my boss to let me go home early to make this for you. I figured you could use something fancy.”

_ You don’t deserve it. _

Remus was just doing a nice thing for him. That didn’t matter.

Logan listened to him talk while they ate, and it was nice for someone else to provide all the important parts of a conversation. Remus wasn’t pressuring him to think about everything he didn’t want to.

Maybe it was nice.

Remus grabbed him by the hand after they’d put their dishes next to the sink, just as Logan was about to wash them. He pulled him close, hand on his waist, and began a dance that twirled into the hallway. Logan leaned into it as well, smiling softly and letting their bodies share heat. As the dance ended, Remus dipped him so that he was nearly falling over, but he held on for a kiss.

“You’re so dramatic.”

“Yes, but you’ve barely smiled all day.”

Logan pulled them both back up. “Sunday’s coming soon, stop worrying.”

Remus slipped his other hand around Logan’s waist. “Nah. I’m gonna read to you once you’re ready to go to sleep.”

“I’d argue that it’s childish but that sounds nice.”

And it was. Remus read him his favorite stories instead, which was a nice break from reality. It was warm and lamplit, and he got to just look at either Remus’s face or a book for a while.


	4. Chapter 4

Remus wrapped his arms and legs around Logan as they sat on the edge of the bed, nuzzling his face into Logan’s shoulder.

“It’s Saturday.”

“It is.”

Remus turned Logan’s face with his hand, placing a kiss on his cheek. Logan smiled, leaning back into his husband’s embrace. 

“I’m afraid-” Logan stood up- “you’re not going to get the relaxing day you're hoping for. Not with me, anyway. I’ve been procrastinating on this project for work.”

Remus pouted as Logan picked out his clothes from the closet, but he got up as well. He gave Logan a quick hug and kiss before heading for the kitchen.

“I’ll get started on breakfast.”

Logan would’ve mentioned something about Remus not changing out of his pajamas, but he’d realized that was futile years ago. He finished getting dressed, exiting their room for the kitchen, where Remus was whisking eggs in a bowl.

“I see you’ve gotten both bacon and breakfast sausage out.” Logan examined the package of bacon, setting his arm around Remus’s waist.

“Well, I got some yesterday-” Remus poured the eggs in the pan- “and I figured you deserved a full meal, so why save it?”

“If you say so.”

Remus put some- a lot- of cheese on the eggs, refusing to let Logan do any of the work on breakfast. He finished fairly soon, dramatically twirling as he brought their plates to the table.

Remus carried the conversation during their meal, hoping it would set Logan in a good mood for the day. He was going to need it, if his project was due on Monday.

The project seemed to carry more weight than it ever should. There was more pressure. More… anxieties. Was it going to be good enough? Was Logan in a stable enough mental state to do it well? Was it going to worsen his mental state?

Was he just fine, and making it up so he could be lazy?

_ Your mother died. You’re not making anything up. _

But he was supposed to be  _ better _ now. He was supposed to deal with this. He was supposed to help himself.

How?

_ Well, maybe you’d feel better if you let your husband comfort you. _

Therapy was going to help. That’s what she was for. All he had to do was tell her how he felt. And she would help.

And afterwards, he would have the courage to tell Remus. He could pour his emotions out just to feel the warm hand rub on his back, to shove his crying face into his chest.

But… what if it was going to hurt Remus?

Logan  _ knew _ how much Remus hated to see his husband like this. So it had been so, so difficult to show it, especially after he started therapy. He had someone who was supposed to be helping him, why was he dumping all his problems on his boyfriend?

But therapy  _ did _ help. And as his depression became less of a constant thing, as the panic attacks started to slowly go down on their chart, he became less worried about hurting people.

But the pain had all rushed back this week. He felt as cold and empty as he had during his darkest years, as hopeless as someone who believes they’re going to die young and alone. As angry as years of pent up frustration. As terrified as a screaming child.

He… he was hurting Remus, wasn’t he?

He had to be.

Logan got a good deal of work done in that time, these thoughts mixing within the words. Pain started creeping up his fingers near the end, tired and sore from aggressive typing. Remus had come to check in on him, give him a kiss now and then, offering food that would be rejected, but he worked until he was basically forced to go to bed.

No time to hurt anyone while you work.


	5. Chapter 5

Sunday.

It was just a therapy appointment, wasn’t it? He’d gone to tons before, why was this one so…

Scary?   


_ What, are you scared? Like a little toddler running to his  _ **_mother-_ **

No-

He snuggled closer to Remus, hoping to drive the thoughts out of his head. Remus made a small sound as the movement urged him into consciousness. He snuggled his back against Logan’s chest with a smile, pulling the blanket up to cover his eyes.

It’s fine.

You’re going to tell her, and she’ll help. She will help.

_ How long is it going to be before you can talk to Remus without hurting him, though? _

_ What happens if you don’t tell him? _

He pressed his forehead into Remus’s shoulder, hoping maybe that could push the thoughts away. That wasn’t now. Therapy wasn’t until later. Now, he was with Remus. Nothing was expected of him.

He took a deep breath, placing a kiss as far up Remus’s neck as he could reach. Remus grinned, taking Logan’s hand in his to kiss him there.

“You’ve gotta stop being the big spoon, Lo.”

“Turn over?”

“Comfy.”

Logan would’ve loved to stay there for another minute, another hour, the entire day. But it was already eleven. He didn’t have time to waste before his three o’ clock appointment. He squeezed Remus’s middle once more before shifting out of the blankets, feeling literally and emotionally colder.

Remus barely even moved, maybe pulling the blanket tighter around him a little. He’d spent extra time awake reading to Logan, and singing softly as Logan fell asleep. He wasn’t sure how much longer Remus was up after that. Logan had been told that he looked beautiful while he slept.

Logan got ready, maybe smoothing back his hair a few too many times, maybe noticing how his shirt sat on his body a little too much, but that wasn’t important. He would worry about himself later. Now was the time to worry about his work.

“You’re not coming back?”

Remus looked pitiful, all but his head buried underneath the covers as he stared with puppy dog eyes.

“I still have to finish that project, and I don’t want to waste any time before my appointment.”

Remus smiled at the reminder. “I hope it goes well.”

Logan smiled back, getting ready with nervousness crawling up in his chest. It was the nervousness reminiscent of… of telling his mother he needed therapy. 

His therapist was there to help. He wasn’t hurting  _ her _ by telling her how he felt about what happened.

But  _ he shouldn’t feel this way. _

That was irrational. He knew that was irrational. He knew that he was allowed to feel sad when his mother had  _ died,  _ but this… this was different. This felt like emptiness, this felt like self-hate and fear and frustration, this felt like he wasn’t good enough, this…

This felt like  _ depression. _

He’d come so far. He’d been able to call himself okay. He didn’t worry about it anymore. He didn’t think about it, he didn’t worry about it. He’d gotten through moments in his life that would’ve killed him, literally killed him, when he was a teenager, nearly as well as someone might expect a mentally healthy person to do so.

So why was this so different?

Of course it was going to hurt more than just losing a job, but… he wanted to crawl into bed and die, or torture himself with work, work, work, until he couldn’t work anymore. He wanted to leave Remus, leave his friends, and drown himself in  _ more _ loneliness, or, or-

Cut.

He couldn’t be helped at this point, could he?

He finished as much as he could on his work, ignoring the anxiety continuously rising in his chest as 3PM quickly approached. He left with a quick kiss for Remus, debating whether he should just turn around and go home during the entire trip.

The waiting room felt suffocating, as he repeatedly dug his nails into the skin under his long sleeves, noticed what he was doing, and fiddled with his fingers until he forgot about actively avoiding it. What was he thinking? He couldn’t tell her, not with the tightness in his throat and the fast beating of his chest. 

No. He had to. He was going to. He was going to.

She was there to help.

He clasped his hands together tightly, staring at the floor as he made his way up to her office. It was familiar and comforting inside. Yet the supposedly comforting air was tainted with his spiraling thoughts. He forced himself to look at his therapist as she smiled at him. He forced himself to smile back.

_ This shouldn’t have happened. You wouldn’t be here. You should’ve just apologized, and then it would be fine, everything would be fine. You would be fine. You would be fine. You would be  _ **_fine._ **

“So, everything’s going okay? Anything on your mind?”

He hesitated.

_ Tell her. She’ll help. You can work through it. You can plan more appointments, and you’ll work through it at your pace. It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. _

_ But only if you  _ **_tell her._ **

“...No.”


	6. Chapter 6

Logan rolled over, bed pinching the tender spots on his stomach. He shut his eyes tightly against the pillow, leaning into Remus’s warmth for hope of comfort. It wasn’t enough, so he checked the clock and swung his legs off of the bed. He had to get ready for work.

He took his clothes into the bathroom, not risking Remus seeing. He pulled up his pajama shirt, grimacing at the sight. He’d really gone for it, huh?

He frustratingly didn’t have time to clean it up, reluctantly putting his shirt on for work. He left the bathroom after brushing his teeth, finding Remus pushing back his unkempt hair in the doorway to their bedroom.

Logan put on a slight smile for his husband. “I’ll make you some eggs, but I’ll be late for work if I try making much else.”

Remus smiled and gave Logan a kiss on the cheek, heading into the bathroom. Logan made his way into the kitchen, sighing as he put the pan on. He cracked an egg before feeling warm hands sneak up his sides against his skin. He froze for a moment before grabbing Remus’s hands and pressing them away from his stomach.

“Logan? What- what was that?”

Remus stepped back and Logan’s breath caught in his throat. There wasn’t any way to avoid Remus knowing now, but it was still a bit of a relief. He knew he would have to tell him sometime soon. He took a deep breath, turning around to face Remus..

Remus looked concerned, almost scared, eyes flicking between Logan and his hand.

“Lo, is that blood?”

Logan shut his eyes tight. He didn’t want to see Remus’s reaction. Tears pricked in the corner of his eyes as he lifted up his shirt, revealing the bloody thin lines he’d made in a panic. It had been  _ so long _ since he cut. He was doing so much better. But no, he couldn’t help himself, couldn’t refrain from the relaxing feeling that he  _ knew _ wouldn’t help.

He was a failure.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Remus whispered to him, cupping his cheeks and wiping the tears from his eyes. “What happened? Did your therapist not help, did-”

“I didn’t tell her,”

Logan let out a sob, leaning towards Remus and letting his shirt fall.

“I couldn’t tell her- and- I’m- I’m such a coward- and I didn’t know what to do-”

Remus let Logan fall into his arms, rubbing his back, threading his fingers through his hair.

“If- if I can’t ask for help, how am I going to recover from this?”

“You remember how hard it was to go to therapy that first time? You’re having a hard time- of  _ course _ you’re having a hard time. You lost your mother, you can’t expect to be able to function like you usually would in a difficult situation.  _ No one _ can. It’s gonna be hard, and I’m so, so sorry.”

“I shou- I shouldn’t have c-cut-”

“Logan, it was your first way of coping. Yes, I hate that your mental health suffered this much, but it’s only going to hurt you more if you beat yourself up for it. And Logan?”

He didn’t look up. “Mhm?”

“Will you stay home today? Please? I’ll take off to stay with you.”

Logan hesitated. He knew he needed it, and after yesterday… he couldn’t handle doing something he  _ knew _ was going to hurt him.

“Okay.”

Remus breathed a sigh of relief, squeezing Logan tighter and kissing his head.

After making their calls to take off, Remus made a proper breakfast, insisting that Logan eat in bed. And while Logan had a number of arguments against it, Remus’s stubbornness rendered them useless. Logan had to admit, it was quite comfortable

“So…” Remus placed Logan’s glass on the side table, “I’m guessing you’re gonna need to schedule another appointment.”

Logan stared down at the bed before turning to lean on Remus, wrapping his arms around him, nestling his head in his side.

“Can we talk about that later?”

Remus threaded his fingers into Logan’s hair, smiling at him. “What would you rather do? You wanna talk about yesterday?”

Logan pulled Remus closer.

“I…”

Remus continued petting his hair, waiting for him to continue.

“Remus, it  _ hurts- _ ”

Logan choked on his own sobs, burying his head deep into Remus’s warmth, hoping he’d never have to see the light of day again. It was ugly, and it was pained, and both Logan and Remus knew it well.

“I know, I know, babe.”

“I just- I- I didn’t know it- it would hurt so much-”   


Logan clung even tighter.

“I don’t- I don’t wanna h-hurt you.”

“Logan, you don’t have to be scared of that. You’ll be okay. I’ll be okay, for  _ sure. _ I love you  _ so _ much, and I’m gonna do everything I can to help you.”

“Remus- I feel- I feel like I wasn’t g-good enough for h-her. I didn’t- didn’t make it up to her. She must have d-died hating me.”

Remus ran his hands down Logan’s face to hold his cheeks, turning his husband’s face towards him slightly. “No- no she  _ never _ thought that. She  _ knew _ you were hurting, she didn’t blame you. Because that’s what good parents do. They forgive you. You never needed to do anything for her besides  _ heal. _ That’s all she ever wanted, and I know because she’s told me, thanked me. All she ever wanted from you was your happiness.”

“She- she told you that?”

“She didn’t want me to tell you because she didn’t want you to blame yourself for not being happy enough. But she knew you were feeling better than you ever had, and that you were going to have a satisfying life.”

“She- she was so  _ good _ .”

Remus pulled Logan’s head into his chest, kissing his hair. 

“Yeah. She was.”


	7. Chapter 7

Clouds obscured the sun as a cool breeze drifted past. Logan leaned against Remus’s body, hand clasped tight to his husband’s. Patton was doing his best not to cry too loudly beside them.

Logan, however, wasn’t anywhere close to tears. He was just tired. He wanted to go home, sleep for hours in Remus’s arms.

But not yet.

Time seemed to move as slow as molasses, and he tried focusing on Remus’s warmth. He let his head drop onto his shoulder, staring at the open grave. 

He had a therapy appointment tomorrow.

He’d scheduled weekly appointments instead since his incident. He hadn’t cut since then. Remus was a big help, offering distractions. Comfort. He ran his thumb along Remus’s hand, receiving a tight squeeze that didn’t loosen.

The pallbearers began lowering her coffin. She was gone. She was gone and she wasn’t coming back. And even if she’d forgiven him, even if Remus assured him that she loved him over and over, nothing was bringing her back. Nothing would let him apologize to her, to hug her, ever again.

So maybe he did cry. Just a little.

“Are you doing okay?” Remus whispered after the pallbearers had finished. He rubbed his hand along Logan’s back, letting his husband relax against him. Logan shut his eyes tightly.

“I just want this to be over.”

Remus encased him in a hug, letting him bury his head into his husband’s chest. Logan wasn’t sure if he would ever bring himself to let go, if he could ever be… normal. His mother was no longer gonna call him spontaneously to meet up, send him emails about her latest discovery, annoy him about dumb things he’d done as a child, come to his planetarium shows and tell him about all the things she found interesting about it, join Remus in affectionately making fun of him, or even just send an e-mail to make sure he’s okay.

He missed her. So much.

“It’s gonna be okay, you hear me, Lo?”

Logan nodded into his chest, knowing that in all likelihood, he was right. Feelings faded. People heal. He  _ had _ been able to heal.

So he let himself cry. Let himself sink into Remus’s chest, ignore the fear that he would be judged. He didn’t care. He let Remus’s comforting words and soft humming ricochet in his mind, his chest. He let the sounds fade out. He let himself feel how he felt, like his therapist had taught him. He let himself stay there longer than he should’ve. 

He let it hurt.


End file.
